Will there be someone who fully accept me?

This time, I want to write a super cringey post. This due to my intention to clear my mind and spitting all the anxiety that clouding up my head.

This morning I woke up thinking a lot of things again. I just got back from South Korea and I thought I’ll be fine after that. But nope, once I arrived to Indonesia more thoughts swarms in my head. About the changes in my workplace, about my guilty feeling because I have taken two weeks leave, about what I want to do with my future. Though basically my thoughts are about what I want to do with my future.

I had big dreams. This happened since I was a kid. When my peers didn’t even think about pursuing higher study overseas, I did. And I somehow made it true when I was 23 years old. It was just a dream for me, I don’t know how could I make it back then. Probably because God let me? And of course without that, I won’t be studying in the UK. Or probably because I have the fiery passion in pursuing what I dreamt of. I remember I had said this to my sister: dream big but always make attempt in pursuing it, otherwise it’s a merely a dream.

To think back I still have my big dreams. Although at the same time, I doubt myself even more. Comparing my self now and then, I do feel my confidence depleted since I don’t know when. All my dreams seem too far to be achieved. All my big dreams are eventually became a dust of imagination that probably never get real just like 5 years ago.

Then I asked myself questions, what do I really want? What is the purpose of me having such dream?

I keep convincing myself and explaining that I already had the road map, but sometimes I keep questioning it whether I really want to take a leap ahead or staying to what I already have. The answer mostly I want to take a leap ahead. The problem is just I don’t know on which first step I need to take. At this point, I really need to learn on how to slow down and re-calibrate myself.

That’s what I expect when I came back from Korea, re-calibrating myself. But it didn’t happen.

I also had another thought like will there be someone who can fully accept me? Me and my big dreams and ambitions. Me and all the flaws I had in me.

I can fully accept myself. I am honestly content with who I am right now. Because to be the current me, I have taken such a long road and trust me, it’s painful. I’ve never love myself this much before. Of course I still have my insecurities and get worrisome for things that I would do or not do. But I’ve never been so proud of myself, I’ve never been so connected with myself too. It’s just at the same time, I also realise that not everyone can resonate with the things that crossed my mind or how I behave.

I feel alone, yes. At some point.

I feel like I don’t have much friends or acquaintance that truly understands me, except myself. I had too much layers. One had to peel layer per layer to fully understand and accept me and currently no one ever did that. Even my closest friends. I haven’t yet expose the true me.

I am feeling content yet so lonely. Sometimes I want to share the baggage I keep carrying on my shoulder. Sometimes I want to listen to my significant other too. But when?

I have lived in such a fast-paced life in my whole life. I can’t stand being patient and walking slowly, especially in my age. But again, I need to learn how to slow down a bit. I also realise on what I have been wishing for, to ask somebody to fully accept myself. Can I do that too? Can I fully accept somebody else in my life? Him with his flaws, him with his dreams. I had someone in mind but I just don’t fully encrypted him yet, I couldn’t say that I can fully accept him right now. But working in this slow progress made me more anxious and doubtful, will there be someone who fully accept me?